Stop Settling and Ask for What you Need.

Many of us, myself included, were taught from a young age to be nice, be quiet, smile, make others comfortable, shrink back and don’t inconvenience others with your needs or wants. Some of the messages are subliminal and others are pretty obvious, but we don’t want to inconvenience others. We want everyone to be happy. We inevitably turn into people pleasers and push down or minimize our needs over time.

I call bullshit on this idea! All this has really done is force us to hold ourselves back and not be our true selves. It also sends a message that we can’t have what we want, we can’t dream, we can’t do anything that would make someone else feel bad or outdo or out earn someone else or cause us to be the center of attention. But what this also does is it inevitably causes us to hide our gifts and that is the critical gap in our society today. We’re so busy helping our children or spouses or friends become their best selves and doing things for other people that we don’t believe that our gifts are meant to be shared with the world.

Evan as a trailblazing woman who is constantly challenging the status quo at work, at home I can be very submissive in the name of being “supportive” and not wanting to disappoint those I love. 

Here are some examples from my own life that may resonate with you:

I once let my husband buy a house that I didn’t want because he had already put in an offer against my wishes and when the offer was accepted, I didn’t want to disappoint him or the realtor who was about to make the sale or  the seller who was about to sell their house. I went to the closing and I signed the contract and I lived in a house that I absolutely hated for 10 years because I didn’t want to make others uncomfortable or disappoint anyone. I lived with that decision every single day for 10 years kicking myself. I tried to love the house. I upgraded everything.I moved things around and reorganized. I repainted and recarpeted. I changed out all the light fixtures. Over the course of 10 years I literally replaced everything and finally completely redid the main level and….wait for it…. STILL hated it! Nothing worked. It wasn’t the right house.

One simple example is that the master bedroom was designed in a way that the bed could only face one direction. I sleep on the left side of the bed so this meant that I had to sleep facing the door. I hated it! This meant that I was the first line of defense if either one of our kids came in during the night (or a burglar). Nevermind that my husband can fall back asleep in minutes and if I’m woken up I’ll lay awake for hours! I barely slept in that house. I wanted to feel safe and secure and instead I had to be on guard each and every night. For years I was angry with my husband for buying a house I didn’t want. Over time I had to accept that it was just as much my fault as his that I was stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be. If I had just had the courage to say NO and risk disappointing people, we would have found a different house that we both loved and not wasted all that money redoing everything in one I didn’t want. 

We finally got out of that house just a year ago when we built our dream house. You better believe I made sure that the bedroom had the flexibility to allow me to sleep away from the door! And even more so now when I go to hotels and resorts, and they give me a room where I’m facing the door, I go down to the front desk and I kindly ask them to move me to a different room. Sounds high maintenance? No! Why should I be uncomfortable in order to make others comfortable? Why are my needs less important than someone else’s? 

Same question back to you… Why should you be uncomfortable in order to make others comfortable? Why are your needs less important than someone else’s? 

Stop settling and ask for what you need! 

So how good are you at asking for what you need? Or asking for what you want? Does it make you feel guilty or empowered? Where are you “making do” in order to please someone else? 

Here are some simple practices to try: 

1. The next time you’re out at a restaurant, and the waiter brings you the wrong dish or forgets the ketchup or you need salt or anything at all, next time actually flag down the waiter and ask to make it right. This is not an inconvenience! You are a paying customer and you’re paying for a positive experience. This is no trouble at all. This also goes for dietary needs. If you need something gluten-free or you want them to hold the cheese or cook it in butter instead of hydrogenated oils… Ask away! 

2. The next time you’re at a hotel and you need extra pillows or a toothbrush, or the room is dirty, call down to the front desk and ask for someone to bring what you need to the room or ask to switch rooms if it doesn’t meet your expectations. There’s no point in being uncomfortable all night long when you could be restfully sleeping. 

3. Think about what other ways you could use support in your daily life or toward achieving a big goal you have. 

• Do you need someone to watch the kids so you can start writing your book or go to that workout class? Ask your spouse or a friend or a neighbor  to watch them for you, or hire a babysitter. 

• Are you struggling to do meal planning and get healthy food on the table? Try one of the hundreds of meal services that are now available to make things faster and easier. The services range from someone doing a meal plan for you and providing a grocery list to having the food delivered in the perfect quantities so you can make dinner quickly to everything being ready-made and you just heat and serve. Experiment until you find something that works for you and your family. 

• How about booking a massage once a month to get away and relax and have someone take care of you for an hour? 

• And my personal favorite… Hire a house cleaner! Are you struggling to keep up with the never ending cycle of laundry or dishes or vacuuming? Try hiring a house cleaner, even if it’s only once a month to start. This one is a total game changer! There are plenty of services who offer this, so feel free to get multiple quotes to find someone that meets both your expectations and budget. 

This was the first splurge that I did for myself 10 years ago and it’s the very last thing I will ever give up. I absolutely hate cleaning and cannot keep up with my busy schedule. Twice every other week I come home and the angels sing when I walk in the door, because the house is spotless! Try it for yourself it will change your life 

Over time asking for what you need builds your confidence and helps you to see how valuable you are and the value that you bring to the world. It also makes you open to new ideas that you previously might have thought were an inconvenience to someone else. 

God has given you amazing gifts that you likely don’t see as amazing since it comes so easily to you to do it. They can’t! YOU can because that’s what makes you special and important. Those are the gifts that you are to share with the world. And rather than thinking, “who am I to do the thing?” I’d like you to shift your perspective to how am I doing a disservice to others by not sharing these gifts? How will I reach my full potential and the ultimate purpose that I was put on this earth to do if I don’t share my gifts? We need you!

Start changing your perspective by asking for what you need. Then see how it starts to change your mindset and everything else with it. Before you know it you’ll be crushing your goals because you’ll have both the confidence and support you need to keep moving forward every day. GET IT GIRL!!!