You know that moment when someone says,
“Wow… you’re a lot,”
and they mean it as a compliment and a warning?
Maybe it was a coworker who commented on how passionate you get.
A friend who joked, “You’re intense.”
A partner who said, “Do you ever slow down?”
A parent who called you “dramatic.”
An old boss who loved your results but not your fire.
For high-achieving women, being “too much” is a story we learned long before we ever stepped into leadership.
And most of us are still unlearning it.
I built my career being the one who could “handle anything.”
The steady one.
The strong one.
The capable one.
But underneath that?
There were parts of me I kept small because I didn’t want to be “too intense,” “too ambitious,” or “too emotional.”
The turning point wasn’t dramatic — it was honest.
One day I realized:
Everything powerful God placed in me was getting filtered to make other people comfortable.
And the moment I stopped shrinking, everything accelerated — my career, my influence, my calling, my clarity, my peace.
Not because I became more.
But because I finally stopped being less.
The Real Cost of Being Told You’re “Too Much”
Research shows that women are twice as likely as men to receive personality-based feedback instead of performance-based feedback. (Harvard Business Review)
Words like:
- aggressive
- emotional
- intimidating
- intense
- sharp
- opinionated
- ambitious
…are used more often to reshape women than to support them.
Another study found that 75% of women leaders have been told some version of “tone it down,” “be less direct,” or “don’t rock the boat.”
And almost 60% admit they now overthink how they show up because of it.
Being “too much” becomes a silent tax — one paid in self-doubt, shrinking, over-editing, and the constant scanning of a room to make sure you’re not making anyone uncomfortable.
But here’s the truth:
You were never “too much.”
You were just too much for the wrong environments.
Where This Shows Up
It shows up quietly, in moments most people never see:
You dim your enthusiasm so you’re not “extra.”
You soften your opinions so you’re not “intimidating.”
You downplay your achievements so you’re not “full of yourself.”
You hold back your ideas so you’re not “disruptive.”
You speak gently so no one calls you “emotional.”
You shrink your dreams so you’re not “unrealistic.”
And yet…
Every room you’ve ever transformed?
Every project you’ve carried?
Every crisis you’ve stabilized?
Every person who’s come to you because “you’ll know what to do”?
That’s because of who you are — not who you toned yourself down to be.
The Reframe You Need
What if your intensity is actually discernment?
What if your passion is actually purpose?
What if your high standards are actually leadership?
What if the things people called “too much” were the exact things God placed in you for impact?
You are not too much.
You’re precise.
You’re sensitive to what others miss.
You carry conviction others don’t have the capacity for.
And you feel deeply because you’re wired to care deeply.
Being “a lot” is only a problem in rooms that want women to be less.
Not the watered-down, more digestible version of you.
Not the version who takes up 80% of her space so no one feels threatened.
The real you.
The full you.
The you who was always “a lot” because you were born to lead, not blend in.
Action Step: 3 Steps to rewrite the “too much” Story
1. Name where you started shrinking.
Ask yourself:
- When did I first learn that parts of me were “too much”?
- Who told me that?
- What did I start hiding to avoid criticism?
Awareness is the first step toward reclaiming what you abandoned.
2. Identify where your “too much” is actually your gift.
Think about the traits you’ve muted — passion, clarity, intensity, emotion, ambition.
Now reframe:
- Passion → Vision
- Intensity → Focus
- Emotion → Empathy
- Drive → Leadership
- Directness → Integrity
- High standards → Excellence
Your gifts haven’t changed — your interpretation has.
3. Practice being fully yourself in safe rooms first.
Start in places that can hold you:
- A friend who gets you
- A mastermind or women’s group
- The Powerhouse Women Network
- A journal
- A trusted mentor
- A quiet prayer where you tell the truth without editing
Let your full self breathe in one space.
Then slowly bring more of her into the next.
How I Can Help
If you’re tired of shrinking, editing, or second-guessing who you were created to be, here are 3 ways we can go deeper:
- Purchase my International Bestselling Book that goes through the framework that has helped 1,000+ coaching and executive clients. You can find more information HERE.
- Join our upcoming retreat in 2026. Find more information HERE.
- Build a custom strategy to reach your goals without burning out or compromising your purpose. Find out more information on this FREE complimentary call.
Your turn to reflect a step further:
Where have you been shrinking yourself to fit someone else’s expectations – and what would shift if you believed you are already exactly enough?
Take five minutes and write down the moments this week you minimized yourself, and how you could have shifted to show up for yourself.
– Christi Cossette
